Committee to Elect Sloppy McSlopface
Sloppy McSlopface is running for office because someone has to, and frankly, everyone else was busy. A proven mess-maker with a spotless record of showing up (usually on time). Looks vaguely trustworthy in every lighting condition, which β between us β is a load off.
Paid for by Sloppy McSlopface for a Better Tomorrow, Inc.
Born in a small town nobody can quite agree on, Sloppy McSlopface grew up believing in three things: hard work, a firm handshake, and never quite tucking in their shirt. After a career in something-to-do-with-business, Sloppy decided it was time to give back β mostly by returning things they'd borrowed, but also by running for office.
Sloppy's kitchen-table values were literally formed at a kitchen table, which had a slight wobble that Sloppy fixed with a folded napkin β a permanent solution to a temporary problem, much like Sloppy's approach to governing.
"I didn't choose the sloppy life. The sloppy life happened during laundry day, and I ran with it β often tripping." β Sloppy McSlopface
Bold. Vague. Broadly popular. That's three adjectives, which is the legal minimum for a rousing statement.
Fix the potholes. Fix the OTHER potholes. Possibly create a few new potholes for job security.
Lower taxes for people who like lower taxes. Higher wages for people who like higher wages. Everybody wins.
More funding, fewer tests, and a strongly worded letter to whoever keeps losing the good scissors.
Sloppy supports clean air, clean water, and cleaning your room, but understands not everything can be perfect.
Safer streets. Safer sidewalks. Extremely safe filing of expense reports.
Affordable care for all, and a personal commitment to finally getting that mole checked out.
"Sloppy gets things done, eventually, and always with a smile."
β Regional Association of Concerned Neighbors"We've never seen a candidate spill coffee on more constituents and still keep their vote."
β Local Diner Owners Coalition"10/10 would let them borrow my lawnmower again."
β Sloppy's Neighbor, Gary"Finally, a candidate as disorganized as our current infrastructure."
β Citizens for Realistic Expectations"We made this organization up five seconds ago and we already love Sloppy."
β The Committee for Extremely Recently Formed OpinionsEvery dollar helps print more yard signs, buy more napkins, and keep the Sloppy dream alive. This section is red-on-red because urgency has a color palette now.
Contributions are not tax deductible. Sloppy McSlopface is a fictional candidate for demonstration purposes.
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